My initials are JHLAB or my friends call me
Nash when I decided to change my name after knowing my HIV status. It’s
actually none of my plans to change my name however when I start using Twitter,
a follower (@boy_positibo) advised me to create an incognito account to protect
my identity. One of the pozzies as well told me to be extra careful in
disclosing my status because the rejection from the people surrounds you is
much painful than knowing your confirmatory result after getting the rapid test
in the initial screening. So from then, I used the name Nash both in twitter
and blogspot. I am sorry for the long introduction on how the name evolves and
I hope that no one will get hurt or bothered from this borrowed name.
When I was young until I reach college, I
never had the chance or full interest in blogging or writing because I’m always
having the hard time thinking of any subject. I didn’t even submit any entries for
journals in the University publication because I know that I don’t have the
guts in composing sensible ideas to reach out readers and provide them
brand-new knowledge. One aspect as well is that I can’t speak and write good
English so I didn’t take any chances to submit any entries ever... I am raised
in a small province in Mindanao so I am well versed in speaking Bisaya=70% and
others are English=20%, Tagalog=10%. On the other hand, I decided to put up
this blog to share, inspire and potentially meet new friends whether positive
or non positive, supporters, or readers.
This time, I can now think of a perfect
subject and that is dealing with HIV and other sickness. I am inspired by two
other pozzies (@poz_angel) and (@casuallypositiv) after reading their blog
entries and that made me decide to create one too. I can say that I may not
have the complete resources or information yet, so I hope that you can be with
me in the progress of knowing what really it is and how to deal with the virus as
days will go by. So here’s the summary of my life story and how I acquire the
virus:
I am 21 years old and the eldest son and
among the grandchildren in the family. I can say that I am the most favoured
child both in my father’s and mother’s side and they always look me up as a
role model to my brother , sister and cousins. I am as well a consistent honor
student in a small barrio when I was in elementary until I reach high school
and offered an academic and performing arts scholarship when I reached college.
I graduated college when I was 19 years old with the Degree of Bachelor of
Secondary Education Major in Music, Arts, Physical Education and Health in
Philippine Normal University-National Center for Teacher Education. My parents
got separated when I was 2 years old, my Mom went abroad to work as an Overseas
Worker and my Dad went back to finish his college degree. Indeed, they are
still in their teenage stage when my mom got pregnant. My grandparents raised
me well and taught me the proper values, survival skills and become a God-fearing
person. I am raised in a very poor family and that is not a hindrance for me to
finish my education and I am very proud to be the youngest graduate in my class
and receives an award in the ceremony.
While in college, I met a friend across the
web and he became my mentor. He is a retired professor in the University of Texas
at Austin and is a very good and respected person. He also provides financial
assistance for my studies and we keep on exchanging e-mails everyday. I can see
that it gave me a lot of advantage and confidence to be more productive in
improving my English language. He offered me a cultural exchange scholarship in
United States however for some reasons and financial issues, my visa
application got denied twice and I never had the chance to purse my dreams to
continue my studies abroad. Since I can see a lot of job opportunities in
Manila, I decided to stay and search for available jobs instead of going home
in the province.
I am in Manila for almost 1 year and 8
months now and this is my life’s big adjustment not just only because of the
language and places but as well in dealing with people. I only made few friends
in my stay and luckily they are very good to me. Now, I also made some twitterfriends having
the same condition and I really like how we support each other. I am working in
a call centre industry and made some friends too and they keep on telling me
that I’m bubbly, happy person and has a unique personality. I am single and
never had any serious relationship, . Maybe I’m not good looking or I am hooked
in setting a new career or no one gets stumbles and sees my real beauty Hahaha
I
live in a condominium along EDSA which is shared by six people and they are
gaymen too. Luck brings me to stay with them because I just receive the
information through craiglist and I contacted them right away. We treated each
other as family and we supports each other as well in all ways. I don’t smoke and drinks too much liquor and
not joining them to any activities such as night-out or going to the bar. I admit
I also have some flaws in life and Im not telling this to inform that I’m a
good person, each of us has a bad side ok? Now, how did I acquire the virus?
Yes, I am just a normal gay men and get
attracted to my fellow men. I met a guy whose living in the same condominium
and actually he is just 15 steps from our unit. I’m not that sex active but I
can say that my sexual preference is versa-bottom and he is top. I admit to
have a casual relationship with the guy on the next unit and I am aware that he
has a live-in partner. One afternoon, we accidentally see each other in the
condominium’s elevator and our eyes met, he smiled at me and eventhough we
didn’t say any word, we already know that we like each other. So when we reach the
5th floor, we did exchange mobile numbers and then that starts our simple
communication. He visits me in our unit, I visits him as well when his partner
is not around. He talls 5’7”, Gym fit, Clean Cut, and I find him good looking
and I got attracted to him. He is 25 years old and I am just 21 and we are very
comfortable with each other. We had sex almost seven times and we never use any
protection like condoms because I have
in mind that he is healthy and good looking and I can’t think that he carries
the virus. I trusted him so much so I don’t have any thought that I will
acquire HIV from him. In that time, I can say that HIV is just in the news and
those are only transmitted to people who has multiple sex partners,
prostitutes/sex workers, etc and that excludes me.
On August 2011, I got sick having acute
pharyngitis, fever and chest pain so I went to the hospital and have myself
checked (ECG, 2D Echo, X-Ray, CBC) everything is normal so I didn’t worry much about
it. My awareness about HIV started when I watched the news on TV about a gay
call center agent who confessed about his HIV condition and that scares me a
lot. That makes me paranoid especially when I see information about HIV ads in
facebook, MRT stations, blogs , pamphlets and everywhere so I volunteered
myself to undergo the HIV screening test in our area. I receive counselling
from the Doctor-in-charge and after 15 minutes, my name was called and it
resulted non-reactive so I was very happy. From that point of time, whenever I
had sex with my neighbor I always make sure that we always follow safe sex and
use condoms. I am now well informed about HIV and I should be responsible in every
actions.
After 2 months I got severe fever and that
is in the month of November so I decided to go the hospital and have myself
checked and everything is normal. I am very curios about the virus and I keep
on reading about HIV facts and other information in the internet and decided to
have the test again. I am very confident in taking the test this time knowing
that I am well informed about the virus three months ago, so I am not scared at
all. I took the test for the sake of knowing my status and peace of mind but I
know in myself that I am healthy during that time. After 15 minutes, I was
surprised that the woman called my name and we get inside the room. I now get
nervous because that was not the same procedure like before. The woman simply
asked me how I’m doing and discuss some information about the virus. Then she
asked me a lot of “what if?” questions and that start to bother me. She open
the paper and told me that the test result shows “REACTIVE” and I should start
taking care of myself...
That was frustrating, embarrassing,
depressing moment in my life. I want to cry but I can’t, I didn’t even know
that I’m home already. I fell asleep and kept it in myself and start wearing a
poker face!
“We should limit our level of trust, think
ahead before taking actions...”
